When I started this blog initially I was a housewife/stay at home-mom. The earnings of my now former spouse afforded me the privilege to stay home with our boys. I took care of things domestically and all things regarding the children. I was able to work on DIY projects, take the kids to story time, meet other stay at home moms, try new recipes and share videos of what I prepared via Facebook, and totally indulge in all the ratchet-trash t.v my heart desired. To add and make things that much more “sweet” anything I asked for I got. I was miserable.
Be careful what you ask for….
The above was the image of what everyone THOUGHT my life was and therefore felt as if I should have been happy. Though I fault myself for believing that too. The truth is I was nothing more than the co-author of that lying image. If you read between the lines and deduce what is fundamentally stated above all I did was cook, clean, and “tend” to the children. Don’t get me wrong I LOVED my responsibilities but that inevitably was the whole marriage. There were no date nights, family activities, alone time, romance hour, no fun, no friendship, no one to talk to, nothing to look forward to and most importantly there was no Jesus in our relationship. Jesus wasn’t invited until things had been ripped to shreds. The family and friends saw a horse and pony show at holiday times.
I was married, but I was alone. Pastor R. Rush (Dallas) said years ago, “Some of the loneliest people in the world are married”. I never knew what that meant until I became one of those people. With all due respect to my ex husband I think we both felt that filling these “traditional roles” was suppose to validate date us to each other and therefore we should be happy right? Wrong! How foolish of me to ever think that all he needed was cooked food and his children dressed well? Men need respect, validation, and autonomy. He thought that because he paid “the bills” that was his ONLY duty.
I as a woman needed gentility, validation, kindness. Having anything you want is so overrated, especially when your an easily contented person who never asks for much in the first place. By the time I grasped this and so much more I was no longer in love nor had a desire to continue to be married. However things grew darker and darker because neither one of us understood our purpose to each other. From there, we all know happens when you don’t understand or appreciate the purpose of something right? You abuse it.
As I digress, during the separation I went through so many things mentally. What would other people think? I’m going to look like a failure? People are going to talk about me because I’m a single parent now, etc., etc. Once I removed all that ridiculous-ness out my brain and started thinking effectively for the best interest of my children….the peace I was blessed with was like breathing for the first time! I didn’t have as many adjustments as I had tricked myself into thinking.
For all practical purposes I had been a single parent when it came to the children anyway, not to mention I was a stay at home mom but and educated degreed one. I was going to be okay. I was truly happy despite having more responsibilities. I had only been fooling myself otherwise.
Funny thing is. I’m not alone. Once I changed my status on Facebook to divorced I received overwhelming responses, questions, and remarks from married people both men and women. To my surprise people marry for all the wrong reasons and not only do they acknowledge that but are willing to stay married to their spouses no matter how wrong their reasons are or how miserable they may be.
I always knew that the grass ain’t always greener on the other side by apparently there are a lot of folk who are totally aware of that same sentiment and do you want to know why they stay? 75 percent of the time people don’t want to divorce is because they are so concerned with what other people (in-laws, family, friends) will think!
The other trend I noticed in these married miserables is that a lot of them married very young or were pressured into getting married and after a few years of “going thorough the motions” not only are they secretly resentful toward their spouses but they realize they are totally incompatible. Yet they stay.
In addition to that, there is that lazy bunch who fear either getting back out there on the dating scene or just plain and simple don’t want to start over. Then at the very least of these their lies that group of M&M,s (married miserable) who are so insecure that they convince themselves that the only people who want or desire them is their spouse. I could go on and on but to say the least I thank God for peace, clarity, and the opportunity to do something different for myself and my children and to have something different.
I whole heartedly still believe in the institution of marriage but don’t allow your marriage to force you to be on the verge of becoming institutionalized either! It’s all about sacrifice on BOTH parts. It’s about doing things that you may not like but if nothing more than to make your spouse smile. It’s about knowing when to listen and knowing when to encourage. It’s about allowing yourself to become a slave to that person’s heart and always being aware that what worked 5 years ago may not work anymore because needs change. Be in tuned with your spouse but all that I have said is null and void if this is not mutual.
As for me, well if I never marry again I am utterly, totally, and peacefully okay with that. I have come full circle with me and right now ME is whom I am most in love with. It would take an outstanding man to distract me from me right now. But nevertheless, my children are young enough to call someone else daddy and so am I (eye wink). Don’t fool yourself into thinking your happy because in the end you will foolishly miss out on happiness. Be happy and love on PURPOSE! #she thinks out loud