Don’t fool yourself happy!

When I started this blog initially I was a housewife/stay at home-mom. The earnings of my now former spouse afforded me the privilege to stay home with our boys. I took care of things domestically and all things regarding the children. I was able to work on DIY projects, take the kids to story time, meet other stay at home moms, try new recipes and share videos of what I prepared via Facebook, and totally indulge in all the ratchet-trash t.v my heart desired. To add and make things that much more “sweet” anything I asked for I got. I was miserable.

Be careful what you ask for….

The above was the image of what everyone THOUGHT my life was and therefore felt as if I should have been happy. Though I fault myself for believing that too. The truth is I was nothing more than the co-author of that lying image. If you read between the lines and deduce what is fundamentally stated above all I did was cook, clean, and “tend” to the children. Don’t get me wrong I LOVED my responsibilities but that inevitably was the whole marriage. There were no date nights, family activities, alone time, romance hour, no fun, no friendship, no one to talk to, nothing to look forward to and most importantly there was no Jesus in our relationship. Jesus wasn’t invited until things had been ripped to shreds. The family and friends saw a horse and pony show at holiday times.

I was married, but I was alone. Pastor R. Rush (Dallas) said years ago, “Some of the loneliest people in the world are married”. I never knew what that meant until I became one of those people. With all due respect to my ex husband I think we both felt that filling these “traditional roles” was suppose to validate date us to each other and therefore we should be happy right? Wrong! How foolish of me to ever think that all he needed was cooked food and his children dressed well? Men need respect, validation, and autonomy. He thought that because he paid “the bills” that was his ONLY duty.

I as a woman needed gentility, validation, kindness. Having anything you want is so overrated, especially when your an easily contented person who never asks for much in the first place.  By the time I grasped this and so much more I was no longer in love nor had a desire to continue to be married. However things grew darker and darker because neither one of us understood our purpose to each other. From there, we all know happens when you don’t understand or appreciate the purpose of something right? You abuse it.

As I digress, during the separation I went through so many things mentally. What would other people think? I’m going to look like a failure? People are going to talk about me because I’m a single parent now, etc., etc. Once I removed all that ridiculous-ness out my brain and started thinking effectively for the best interest of my children….the peace I was blessed with was like breathing for the first time! I didn’t have as many adjustments as I had tricked myself into thinking.

For all practical purposes I had been a single parent when it came to the children anyway, not to mention I  was a stay at home mom but and educated degreed one. I was going to be okay. I was truly happy despite having more responsibilities. I had only been fooling myself otherwise.

Funny thing is. I’m not alone. Once I changed my status on Facebook to divorced I received overwhelming responses, questions, and remarks from married people both men and women. To my surprise people marry for all the wrong reasons and not only do they acknowledge  that but are willing to stay married to their spouses no matter how wrong their reasons are or how miserable they may be.

I always knew that the grass ain’t always greener on the other side by apparently there are a lot of folk who are totally aware of that same sentiment and do you want to know why they stay? 75 percent of the time people don’t want to divorce is because they are so concerned with what other people (in-laws, family, friends) will think!

The other trend I noticed in these married miserables is that a lot of them married very young or were pressured into getting married and after a few years of “going thorough the motions” not only are they secretly resentful toward their spouses but they realize they are totally incompatible. Yet they stay.

In addition to that, there is that lazy bunch who fear either getting back out there on the dating scene or just plain and simple don’t want to start over. Then at the very least of these their lies that group of M&M,s (married miserable) who are so insecure that they convince themselves that the only people who want or desire them is their spouse. I could go on and on but to say the least I thank God for peace, clarity, and the opportunity to do something different for myself and my children and to have something different.

I whole heartedly still believe in the institution of marriage but don’t allow your marriage to force you to be on the verge of becoming institutionalized either! It’s all about sacrifice on BOTH parts. It’s about doing things that you may not like but if nothing more than to make your spouse smile. It’s about knowing when to listen and knowing when to encourage. It’s about allowing yourself to become a slave to that person’s heart and always being aware that what worked 5 years ago may not work anymore because needs change. Be in tuned with your spouse but all that I have said is null and void if this is not mutual.

As for me, well if I never marry again I am utterly, totally, and peacefully okay with that. I have come full circle with me and right now ME is whom I am most in love with. It would take an outstanding man to distract me from me right now. But nevertheless, my children are young enough to call someone else daddy and so am I (eye wink). Don’t fool yourself into thinking your happy because in the end you will foolishly miss out on happiness. Be happy and love on PURPOSE! #she thinks out loud

Is it bed time yet? How Tonja B. Sleep Consulting saved me and other insane moms!

I’m not going to lie to you. I was a TOTAL skeptic. However I was also just as desperate as I was skeptical so I figured given this lady a call couldn’t possibly hurt anymore than the agony I had endured for weeks on end with my two small children. After being a stay home mom that was trying to transition back into work I had a major issue with my kids, they wouldn’t go to sleep!

Okay so maybe that was a bit of a stretch but not by much. We have a 1 year old and a two year old (yeah not sure why we were in such a rush but don’t judge).  To be honest I prided myself on being the sleep “specialist” of my online mommy group via Facebook (La Mocha Mommy) and I gave out my personal tips on putting babies to sleep for the night. However my two cents just wasn’t hitting no ‘mo like Whitney albums in the 2000’s. You know it just wasn’t the same (rest in peace Whitney, with all due respect).

By this time my two year old was at the beginning stages of potty training and thought he needed to climb into bed with mommy and daddy for moral support instead of going to the bathroom. My one year old was still waking up a few times a night for a bottle and sneaky way to steal cuddle time with mommy.

While, both of these gestures were “thoughtful” to say the least it was absolutely  draining! Walking the two year old back down the hall from our bed to his, only to wake up in between the hours to fix the 1 year old a bottle who truly never even finished the bottles. He would barely take a few sips and go back to bed until the next time he wanted TLC.

Then came Tonja! She was a new addition to our group and was talking about this crazy idea of getting your child to sleep 12 hours a night. I was like psssssh, yeah right! Wait..really?

She ended up doing a free web stream in the group and gave a lot of great tips. Then I was like nah? This won’t work for me, my boys are rough around the edges. Then came the night when I got exactly 2 hours of sleep and had to be up by 5 am. I finally stopped treating Tonja’s sleeping consulting offer like that free 5 day gym membership flyer you get in the mail and gave her a call.

MY ENTIRE LIFE CHANGED! I could just kick myself for all the days that I overlooked it. Tonja B. Sleep consulting program was able to design a sleep program that worked well for my schedule and allowed me to get some much needed rest and relaxation.

Tonja got my 2 year old sleeping solely and soundly alone in his own bed EVERY NIGHT with no interruptions. He has done well with his potty training so he wakes up to tinkle and climbs right back into his own bed! Not to mention that my 1 year old was only “prompt dependent” (a term I learned from Tonja) and didn’t really needed a bottle at all! Yep, she got my baby off the bottle! (I wonder if she could help an uncle of my with that same problem.).

 

Nevertheless, this was a service well worth it! If you have ever consulted with a duala for birth or a breast feeding specialist to help with those small yet urgent kinky’s in the early stages of motherhood, I would definitely add a sleep consultant to the list because the benefits are something money just can’t buy so don’t sleep on the idea of getting a professional to help you get baby to sleep. It’s one of the BEST decisions I have ever made as a mother!

#she thinks out loud

 

Special offer: Contact Tonja B Sleep Consulting to ask about a free 15 minute offer and tell her I sent ya! 

tonjabsleepconsulting@gmail.com

http://www.tonjabsleepconsulting.com

(315) 681-5003

 

 

 

Wee Care-The Best Childcare Center in Midland!

Now I pity the fool that would like to bid against me on this one but Wee Care has got to be one of the most phenomenal child care facilities a parent can enroll their child! While I’ll spare you the details that makes me such an expert on a topic of this stature I am willing to bet you the student loan money I don’t have that you can’t think of another daycare within a 5,000 mile radius that could come close to the quality care that Ms. Helen (owner) has come rooted within the walls of Wee Care!

I get so excited every morning confidently knowing that my child is not only safe but and eating a well balanced meal but he is also learning everything from an educational curriculum to basic manners and good old fashion home training. When we first moved out to West, Texas we had come to the conclusion pretty early on that I would stay at home but nevertheless it didn’t stop me from exploring daycare centers to have an idea of where I would send my children whenever I chose to go back to work.

It never failed, everywhere I would go and everyone I would ask would always give me the same script, “The best childcare center in Midland is Wee Care!” Now granted we shouldn’t always exclusively look for external answers from God as the only means of directions, however I knew without a doubt that whenever I started working hard for the money again my baby was going to Wee Care!

I began to hear so many rave reviews about how awesome and well trained her staff was via word of mouth, how  other local daycares have tried to “marginalize” their operations like Ms. Helen, and state of the art clean and organized this place was. It was safe to say that anybody whose anybody ’round these parts will only send their kid to the best and hands down it’s Wee Care!

When I first met the owner it was an instantaneous feeling of confirmation of all the things that everyone said about this place. Her spirit was so genuine, sincere, and honest. My grandmother use to always tell me that you could tell a lot about a person by how they greet you and say hello. I could tell that in addition to her soft presence I could tell she was a no non-sense kinda gal but she executes that quality with a lot of class and tack; a real classy lady. (Something I need to work on. Don’t get me wrong I’m all woman but I ain’t lady all the time but that’s another blog.) To say the least she is nothing short of professional, yet she is very down to earth and relatable.

I could go on and on about Wee-Care so please pardon me if this sounds like a brag because that’s exactly what it is. Within less than 2-weeks of being there my 2 year old was potty trained, saying his grace before he ate his food, and he has homework once a week! His teachers are the absolute BEST! Both of them are very intelligent and highly trained childcare professionals. You should see the way these two ladies work with these kids, it’s simply amazing to watch how skilled they are.

A tear comes to my eye when I think of how blessed I am to know that my child is truly in the hands of honorable teachers and support staff. I know without asking that they all are a mirror image of the owner’s training and teaching to them.

I wish I was a rich woman because I would surely pass a chunk of my wealth to all the women there working with those kids because they are absolutely wonderful. Wait, on second thought I’d have to pay off those student loans first THEN pass a chunk (you know Uncle Sam will be own me like white on rice of my tax bracket ever gets increased). Nevertheless, Wee Care is highly recommended. What makes me an expert you ask? I’m a mother, and mother knows best. Send your child to Wee-Care!

#she thinks out loud

 

Dory:Mas o menos for moi (Review)

I know for a fact I was not the only adult that was super excited about the release of Finding Dory in theaters yesterday but even if I was I was somewhat disappointed. Don’t get me wrong by nature I’m an optimist but I was expecting a bit more from the film. I love Ellen DeGeneres and personally I think she is one of the most lovely and grounded individuals on planet Earth. However if it wasn’t for her good name on this movie and the mere laughter that emerges from the depths of your soul anticipating that next sentence from her lips I would have waited for this to hit Blue-ray or Netflix.

I hate to compare this to Finding Memo but Finding Dory didn’t give me any depth to the supporting characters. For the life of me I can’t think of that red octopus’s name and outside of him I can’t name anyone else outside of Memo and his dad. This movie was just missing a whole lot of something for me. I really couldn’t connect with the movie. The only thing that gave me any feeling of empathy was my sensitivity toward Dory’s memory issue.

The really ironic thing was that I never saw finding Memo when it first came out. In fact I think it was a couple of years that after it came out that I finally saw it and I was like wow this is an awesome movie. I saw Dory opening night and again I say I really could have waited until it was off the big screen.

In all fairness, I will say that there is a slight possibility that my chaos of kids could have prevented me from embracing the fullness of the film. In addition to my 2 year old, and soon to be 1 year old, I picked up my two cousins (age 5 and 10) and scooped them along with us. SO of course there was the repeated trips to the bathroom, can we have more popcorn, I need more soda, etc. I’m going to close by blaming my distractions, otherwise Dory just didn’t hit the mark for me. Thoughts?

#she thinks out loud

Just Go Pee!

I drank about 78 ounces of lemon infused water today and I have been back and forth to the bathroom tickling all day. Anyway, that has nothing to do with the issue I want to talk about I just wanted to share that. So this whole topic of the “trans-gender” bathroom is a bit awkward for me and for a few reasons of my own personal biased.

Issue number 1. Where did this come from and when did this become a hot topic? This time last year we were not discussing such an issue and now, there is an additional bathroom everywhere in addition to the 5 billion we already have. The men’s, the women’s, the single family restroom, the multi-family restroom, the women’s room for nursing infants, and now the transgendered restroom? Do I have a problem with transgendered persons? Absolutely not! What I can’t understand is why a transgendered person would want to enter a restroom that labels and classifies them as soon as they enter it?

Let me explain.

If I were transitioning, let’s say from female to male. If my ultimate goal is to be viewed, accepted, and respected as a male, I would want to enter a restroom with whom I identify as. If I were (and again this is just my thinking) walking into a restroom that notified everyone of my “business” I feel like I have put myself in a position to be judged and a target for hateful and ignorant folk.

Now the simple answer maybe the fact that because I am “transitioning” and perhaps have some things going on down south that have not quite developed yet I feel un-easy and therefore need a more comfortable setting.

Well granted, I get that but if we had bathrooms designed for the soul purpose of comfort due to a  physical body in “transition” then there should be restrooms for menstruating women, menopausal women, post partum, etc. There should also be a male restroom for men post prostate surgery or what about people wo have to empty out their catheter and ostomy bags?  What about adults with special needs who have to be changed by caretakers? That Kola diaper changing station in those bathrooms are for babies and not adult bodies. Do you think those people feel “comfortable” doing those things in a public restroom? Absolutely not!

My point is we all have to keep it moving.

Now I’m all in support of equality for the LGBT community because equal rights should be a given privilege of us all but the bathroom thing confuses me. Not to mention, transgender people didn’t just pop up this year. There have always been men and women who have identified differently then their natural born sex. Newsflash though, guess what bathroom they BEEN using ‘fo now? That’s right whatever sex they identify with! Men transitioning to become women BEEN using the women’s restroom and nobody said anything because nobody knew. Women transitioning to male BEEN using the men’s bathroom (wait…. I think? Not sure how that one goes but you get my point).

I’m a natural born heterosexual female (in the next 5 years single women gone start saying that when they start dating watch) and you no what I have used the male restroom numerous of times. Go on that long road trip and pull over in that little country town if you want to with one toilet for men and one for women… watch how many women duck off in that men’s bathroom push come to shove.

Now the men probably wouldn’t take such a gamble because they can just go pee on the side of the road. It really doesn’t matter. Plus an extra bathroom would just confuse me because there have been brief moments (long road trips) when I was like, “dang I wish I was a man so I could just whip it out and pee on the side of the road”.  Does that make me trans-gender? Just joking but seriously is that how it starts cause I’ve had that thought before when I go on long road trips and have to use it? I think I’m good though. Email me somebody.

All and all….

I just feel like a separate bathroom does just that, it keeps us separate. Go to the restroom with whom you are transitioning into and identify with. You want to be a lady? Be a lady with the ladies! You know how we do, girl come to the bathroom with me. You want to be a fella then go pose over that urinal girl, wait sir, ma’am, mister..wait what do I say though? Anyway, just go pee!

#she thinks out loud

 

 

Work it!

Yassssss! After two years of being a stay-at-home mom I have rejoined the work force! Well, somewhat. I only work part-time because I am not fully ready to leave my babies just yet. My boys are still so little (two years old and soon to be one year old) and I can’t be without them that many hours a day just yet. I have truly enjoyed being a mother. It has been my most rewarding role in the play of life thus far. I LOVE making their snacks, going for walks, playing, and making crafts for them. So trust me, working part-time is ideal for me and I am thankful to my husband very much for supporting my choice either way. More importantly I am thankful to God for us being in the position to have that option.

This was my first week back on somebody’s payroll and it was hard that first day leaving my kids with the sitter. I wasn’t worried about my two year as much because he is very friendly, loving, and welcoming. Not to mention he is at a great age to start being around other children now. We may place him in a two-day a week summer program for social growth. But my second child? Well, he’s more of my husband’s kid then mine. My 11 month old is not one easily won over honey. You have to tap dance for his affections and even then he may not be all that impressed. He barely likes me and his father and we are his parents.

I teared up as I got ready to leave for my first day of work last Monday. I left 12 billion notes, post-its, and signs all over the house for the sitter and I am most certain she thought I was crazy and a control freak but I can live with that. Even though I was gone less than 6 hours it was hard leaving. I think I called twice, not to mention asking my husband a thousand times if he remembered to tell her “this and that” as if my notes of “this and that” weren’t already enough when he left out for work.

I’m sure one maybe curious to know what work field does a woman who seems like she can’t be without her kids for more then five minutes return to? Well, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to guess… I work with children! I am a Community Living Support case manager (and soon to be QMHP-c, qualified mental health professional-children) and I work with children and adolescents of a special and at risk population.

I feel so blessed to have a job that is just as dually rewarding as my home life. I get to set my own schedule which means I still get to do all the fun things I enjoy with my kids! Yep, I literally arrive and leave my office when I want to and when I am not there it’s because I am taking one of my clients out somewhere fun (unless they have an appointment with the doctor). Now how awesome is that?

Transitioning back to work (be it full or part time) is never easy after you have been glued to your children since they have been born. Motherhood ignites so many different feelings and emotions within a woman that were never there prior to her being a mom and its amazing! Just think about the love we have for our own mothers. How at the lowest and scariest moments of your life wither she was living or not you called on her like you called on the Lord himself and you could simply feel her scooping you up and holding you in her arms.

Now close your eyes and imagine being one. Imagine someone’s connection for you be that strong. Pretty scary huh? But it’s so beautiful at the same time. Can you feel that love?  That need to forever love and protect them from everything never goes away from the moment that baby is placed in your arms. You think about them all day, all night, when your home with them, or away from them at work. When I leave my house I have to tell myself, “God is their ultimate protector, He is watching the kids today. You are the bomb-mom, now WORK IT!” Then I twist my little fluffy self right on out the door.

#she thinks out loud

 

 

 

My first time at 30 something…

Motherhood that is.

Deep sigh,

I don’t know where to start? I suppose if your even slightly interested in anything an around the way, college educated girl, and current stay at home mom of two has to say then thanks! Your a fan! Even if you don’t like anything I have to say or read the rest of this blog (whispering) I still get a rating. Now that we have that out the way, I have surprisingly been getting request from a few folk on Facebook asking me if I would ever consider blogging and writing again.

As fate would have it I am currently working on a book and as far as blogging or any other writings goes well let’s just say I’ve been getting that itch. I had become very reluctant and taken aback for a list of reasons. The first challenge was my target audience I suppose. All through college I “assisted” people  (I’m somewhat an ethics kinda gal) with their papers and wrote for the school newspaper. Then there was that brief period when I was using my words to crusade against an entire institution but that’s another story, another blog, another life rather.

All the while I was a young, single, independent woman full of passion and ready to take on the world! Now I’m living in a small town out west with my soul mate, raising our two baby boys at home. The highlight of my day is the deal I got at the local grocery store or my latest DIY project! Then I realized I was happy with all that because I had group of other Mommies that I could vent to about my woes as a mother. I had created this group on Facebook called La Mocha Mommy shortly after giving birth to my first son and it has been a strong point for me in parenthood.

The group was formulated out of a few frustrations initially. I was working in a hospital in a big city and I worked with people from a variety of backgrounds. I enjoyed working there yet as I progressed in my pregnancy and began to show, the glow of my pregnancy was overcast by this dark shadow. I began to get extremely irritated as soon as someone approached me and my bump because I knew it was coming.

I had gotten used to the ”are you sure it’s not twins or triplets” or people rubbing (or possibly casting a spell) my stomach without asking, but I never got use to be asked this particular question. I would get so tense, pissed off, and down right offended when people would ask, “So what number baby is this for you?” Granted I was gently out of my 20’s at the time (30, that’s gentle) and as I think about it just now perhaps people were asking because of age I suppose but my physical age was not visible. What was visible was my dark skin. It was as if people assumed that because I was black that I had started having kids at 13.

I would then say as nicely as I could, “No, I’m a first time mommy” they would almost poop in their pants! THEN they would ask my age. That’s when I knew then that the assumption was not based on my age, because it was always the primary question. Being nosy the really bold ones would then inquire about my fiancee’ and how many children he had. I again had to repeat that he too was a first time dad. THEN AGAIN, they would ask his age. Same as me, 30! I began to be looked at as if I were a science project or some type of anomaly. Funny thing was, of all my closes girlfriends I was only the second one to have a child. My only friend that had a child was 4 years older than me and had just given birth two years prior so you add all that up.

When I created La Mocha Mommy I was in desperate need to find and associate myself with African American women, relatively my age, and pregnant or new mothers. I can tell you that the group has more than 50 plus members and less than 5 are single parents, and less than 3 are under 25. So roughly 45 African American women who are married or in engaged to be married, raising their children in two-parenthood homes and over 25.

For the record this group is not exclusively for black women or new mothers (I just needed to find a handful for my own sanity).  The only requirement is to be a loving mother. Not to mention I didn’t want to be one of those people on Facebook always flooding the news feed with news about my kids latest first words. Nor did I want to post dozens of daily pics out there of my child for pedophiles. The group was a safe haven for me.

La Mocha Mommy gave me a platform to reach out and talk to women just like me. Not to mention I didn’t come from a background of nurturing women in my family that were right by my side to assist me post birth that I could call on for support or advice so fellow Mommies and I were able to share and give advice.

So as I wrap up what will come of many more blog shares I’d like to leave you with this. There will be times in life when we all feel isolated and separated to the point where we think we are becoming completely and utterly extinct thinking no one can relate to our woes.

What I had to remind myself is that there is nothing new under the sun (Ecclesiastes). Therefore create your own world by casting out your vulnerability and seeking others just like you and asking for emotional help. No man is an island and you are never alone. It’s a dirty trick of the universe to make you feel that you are but you would be surprised. For the first time in my life, at 30 something, I am learning to fall in love and accept the new titles I have not just as a mother but as a new woman very different than I was in my 20’s.

This blog is dedicated to Nada…thank you lady. #she thinks out loud